On Speaking Your Truth, and Leadership
For the last few weeks, I have been practicing saying what’s true for me to the people I’m closest with. These aren’t big dramatic conversations like, “sit down, we need to talk.” It looks more like not holding my tongue or censoring myself. Not saying something in my head alone, but putting it on loudspeaker.
It’s uncomfortable. For me and for them.
And they don’t always like it. And I REALLY don’t like it.
My co-dependent habit is to make other people’s feelings WAY more important than my own needs. I will endure a LOT in service of keeping those around me comfortable. I will even sacrifice my own integrity to do so.
I’m no longer willing.
For my sake, and for theirs.
But I have to say, this is not easy. I’m already noticing myself getting discouraged and wanting to go back to what I was doing before: keeping most things to myself in my head, being silently resentful and right, and keeping people at juuuust a bit of a distance.
I’m having a bit of that petulant child response that I talked about in yesterday’s post about resistance to writing. “I don’t wanna!”
Or
“Ok fine, I will take my toys and go play somewhere else! I didn’t like you anyway and also, you smell!”
Here’s the thing: being a person of consequence in this world is going to include push back.
That’s leadership.
I’m reminded of this Hugh MacLeod piece (which, incidentally, I need to buy a print of for my office STAT)
I’m not actually in this job or in any of my relationships purely for the sake of optics. I want to show up as someone who people know they are going to get the full and honest truth from. Someone whose presence begets the same level of transparency and truth-telling from those around her.
Having said that, I think I DO show up that way much of the time, I’m simply identifying the places I still notice I’m limiting my own power, and therefore the power of those around me.
It’s not about DOING more truth telling, it’s about BEING truth, connection, intimacy, vulnerability, and stand.
I’m not actually going to pull back and do what I used to do, and frankly I couldn’t if I tried. Something in me has been uncorked, and I can’t really put the cork back in now.
This post is like a distinguished vent. I needed to get this off my chest, and thanks for reading. I also hope it provides some value for your life and leadership ❤
