An Open Letter to Marc Maron

[Note: I’m working on a book of open letters — it’s an idea gifted to me by my friend Joslyn Yeager, and one that has lit me up and inspired me in a way I haven’t been in a very long time. I have no idea if it will work, but I started writing it and want to share pieces of it as I write over the next year or so. Here’s today’s… and you should also know that I am nauseous as I post this and my hands are shaking — I resonate with James Altucher’s twitter bio: “For some reason, I’ve turned myself inside out and all my guts have spilled onto my blog.” Yup, that’s this for me…]

Oct 18, 2017

Dear Marc,

Your name is spelled with a c. Of course, how did I forget that??? I googled you this morning because I remembered that I met you once and made a web video with you, and wanted to see if I could find it online.

That’s when google corrected me and I felt stupid (or perhaps just puzzled) by the fact that I was really sure your name was spelled with a K.

Anyway, I found that the video we made IS, in fact, online. It’s titled “Grace Helbig Meets Marc Maron and Sam Seder”

I am not Grace Helbig, but I was also there. I’m just not noteworthy enough to be in the title of the video, which I only resent about 5% — the other 95% of me totally understands how YouTube video titles work and that you need to lead with the heavy hitters.

Ironically, the bit we were doing in the video is one in which Grace and I are coming to your Break Room Live office to interview Sam about his show “Pilot Season” (which you were also in) and your character in our bit is a very jealous Marc Maron. At first. After you find out that we are also fans of you, you then follow us around and tell us about yourself incessantly. (again, it only 5% hurts my ego that my name isn’t included. This number might actually be higher, but I refuse to let myself go there.)

I’m on the right being “annoyed” — look we’re acting!

I enjoyed this bit. I enjoyed hanging out with you that day, even though, if I’m honest, I had no idea who you were. At least, I don’t think I did. Those years are a bit of a blur to me. I’m definitely a fan of yours now, and would love to go back in time to that day.

I remember you telling me a LOT of personal things. Mainly, about your ex wife. (which I now wonder if you even have? I need to do more googling…)

In hindsight, I’m pretty sure you were testing out your stand up bits on me. At the time, I just thought you were crazy. Which, you probably are a little. I think all actors and especially comedians have to be a little touched in the head to do what we do. I hesitantly include myself in the category of “actor/comedian” — The voices in my head are screaming “you have no right to call yourself that, what have you done lately? What have you ever done, really???”

Well, I once did a bit with Marc Maron, you asshole head voice! Does that count?

Anyway… you overshared like a motherfucker that day. The sheer deluge of information you flung at me left me feeling like I was both being intimately let into your life and completely distracted from being with you at all.

Again, I’m like 99.9% sure you were working out stand up ideas on me. I’m not mad about it, it’s kind of amazing actually. I don’t think the cameras were rolling but I wish I still had the raw footage from that day to find out.

Shit… I really don’t like having regrets, so I hate that I’m yearning to go back in time. I was a very different person then and I would interact with you VERY differently if I met you now. Perhaps you would too? Maybe we’ll meet again some day and I’ll remind you of the fact that we met once before and perhaps you’ll remember, or do that thing where you politely pretend to remember. It would drive me insane to not know which one you’re doing, much like it drives me a little insane to have a .1% question of whether you were being sincere with me that day.

After re-watching our video this morning, I went out to walk my dogs and was reflecting upon the experience. I realized I should write this open letter to you and then shortly after realized you were probably working out bits. I’ve spent years just thinking back on it as the day when you TMI’d me, a total stranger and wondering why you did that.

The revelation is pretty funny to me now.

I was pretty naive, in retrospect.

I really didn’t know what I had when I had it.

Ack, there’s that regret again. I guess I have a lot more of that to work out than I thought I did.

Thanks for this one-sided convo. You shared so much with me when I hadn’t even asked, it felt right to return the favor. I’m gonna go think about calling my therapist and then probably decide against it.

With love and some percentage of longing/regret,

Michelle

PS- You were fucking BRILLIANT in GLOW. I was totally blown away by your performance.